hello,
I don’t think we have any more time to wait for change.
I think I’ve lost sight of myself. The past year has taken its toll on me — and I thought that if I just persevered, if I reshaped myself, perhaps I could fit some kind of mold. But in between all the applications (and rejections) for work, artist residencies and now most recently, a PhD, I feel myself running on fumes. I thought that as long as I just got one Win, all these rejections would have been worth it. But perhaps that’ll never be the case for someone like me.
And it’s devastating to say, I think I really want to give up on this entire screendance thing.
It’s a curious state to be in with all these applications and interviews — you got to know to show up for yourself and your work. You got to be confident in your ideas and methodologies. You got to know your strengths and weaknesses and know how you’re able to contribute. You got to know how your experiences makes you best suited for the role/opportunity. You got to be sincere and earnest. And you got to really want it. Like, really want it. And I did. I wanted it more than anything else. And I think that’s where it stings the most, where you really want something but simply, there are others powers which simply deem you, or your work, less deserving.
And I knew, with all my heart, how deserving my work was.
But perhaps it was just me.
I refer to it as a curious state because, despite how perhaps LinkedIn posts will tell you to never give up after a failed interview or how windows open when doors close, I just feel like I’ve been completely shut into a box with no escape, maniacally believing there’s a way out. It’s a big prison cell escape!
I don’t know where I am right now, and what I’m going to do from here forth. I feel like this entire screendance dream has hit a wall.
And perhaps this is the end of me as a screedance academic.
I don’t have any more time to wait for change. But I’m not looking backwards anymore.
If it doesn’t go my way, then my life is over.
But no matter what, I’m gonna create something.
