Ever since I started writing on Twitter, I picked up a habit of using “something something” to indicate an unfinished or unexplored thought.
Today I will try and complete these thoughts, and treat this newsletter page as an index to these “something somethings”
something something about how I used to be so strict with my taste about music because of my identity as a dancer
Before the dance, came the music. Newton’s first law states that “A body continues in its state of rest, or in uniform motion in a straight line, unless acted upon by a force.”, and in this frame, our bodies follow the same rule. What is the precursor to our movement? Do we move from an initial state of because we are triggered by something? Or are we moving based on the continuous uniform motion our bodies are in (alluding to the idea that we are always continuously moving and never in rest), till stopped by the force known as Death? In more specific terms, for dance, if we look at non-dancing as “we are in a state of rest”, we are then acted onto by the force with the symbol of “Music”.
And thus, a lot of my prenotions growing up as dancer was that “Music Came First”, and that the music you listen to guided the way you moved. I had addressed it in a recent essay I wrote (that is still unpublished), but much of my growth as a B-Boy was spurred by the fact that I wanted to be like the other older B-Boys I saw. And given that Breaking was born out of Hip Hop, it became only natural that I began digging deeper and deeper into the music of it.
I always prided myself on my taste in music, but spending time with a recent partner has caught me by surprise how narrow my taste in music is.
If taste is the beating heart of all creative value, I am starting to feel like my taste has been too refined, and that I need to begin exploring more tastes.
something something related to the way I fall in love with people too fast
This tweet was in context to an earlier tweet where I described my dissatisfaction with my work, and eventually just simply came to the conclusion that I was rushing what I wanted from my work, and that I needed to expand my expectations of the timeline a little and play a longer game.
I was thinking about this once again in the context of love, and I notice the same habits when it comes to approaching new habits.
I’ve yet to find a label (or maybe it doesn’t need one), but as of now I do think that this is definitely one of my best traits that I love about myself - the fact that I put my heart and soul into every single thing I do, and have the capability to fall in love with anyone.
something something about internally directed narratives
I was thinking about this definitely more in the context of a rather “incel-like” mentality, but one that is ultimately positive, where said person improves themselves and their circumstances for the purpose of attracting a mate.
I can’t really remember what I meant by internally directed narratives, but right now I picture something along the lines of that this narrative of “improving one-self” is driven by a story that one has conjured up internally, without any backing or grounding.
I eventually came to the conclusion of self-love as that grounding. Albeit difficult, when there are a lot of parts of yourself that you feel like you can’t love (and therefore feel the strain to need to improve)
There’s also a “something something” crossing my mind here right now about taking responsibility for your inner narrative
Regardless, sad necessities are sad. And sometimes this is the path towards building a better sense of self. I, unfortunately, know that this is a path that I have taken.
something something about meeting people for their own merit
This was part of a long rant where I was trying to digest words that my previous therapist had shared with me. And is aimed at more of a conclusiveness that I would have met people for my own merit (who I am) instead of adhering to the structure and the ladder climb to be able to meet them
I do think that this is slight complacency, given the digital age, and increasingly narrower barriers of entry towards talking to people.
Need to come back to this I think
something something talking to myself tweet
In a thread regarding self love and internal monologues (which I genuinely think is a great thread by the way), I was trying to find another thread where I talked to myself on Twitter as a bit of live introspection (which I found!)
something something about how our main concerns are related to our productivity because of feelings of self worth and identity
The concept of Identity has been one that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, especially in the context of my other works and my personal life.
There was a recent newsletter that I read by Suzan Bond on Can You Be Too Self Aware?
Too which she wrote that when people say they're too self-aware it can often be a proxy for something else - and she talks about her theories in which they say this.
I definitely think that this is quite a “loopy state” to be in (in reference to me having just begun to read I am A Strange Loop by Douglas Hofstadter), and I think that all the things that Suzan has stated all leads to one common consensus:
When the person that you think you are (i.e. A Symbol of I) doesn't match the person you are being - you are suddenly aware of the contradiction of your experiences - and thus try to make up for it.
In other words, I think that in terms of productivity, if we had already envisioned ourselves (our Identity) as fairly productive individuals, any sort of behaviour that goes against this pattern and is “unproductive” (to which there are countless), will be a direct blow on Identity.
And from there we get trapped in a state of recursive doubt and affirmation, trying to be productive again and reaffirming our sense of self.
From an essay that I have yet to publish
To question one’s own authenticity requires one to be truly vulnerable. It is an arduous process of reevaluation of one’s identity whilst breaking down each part of yourself and figuring out if it aligns with the person that you are seeking to be. It is painful to come to terms with the person that you were, and it’s even more agonising to realise that you may not be who you really think you are.
To be authentic is a survival necessity, we need to know our sense of self is real in order to be able to navigate the world. Your connection to self is like the gut feeling of all gut feelings. All decisions are based on who you are. Yet your sense of self is going to change, and so we begin seeking the feeling of authenticity via the externally validating rules within the culture.
I will continue these something somethings another day.
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Sending as much love and warmth to you,
BToh