Hello friends, it's been awhile.
Since I last wrote, I’ve been battling with consistent demons within my head. Overwhelming feelings of anxiety, heartbreak and guilt, coupled with finishing up my service in the military. I needed a break, and a hard reset.
I am much better now. Thank you to all those that showed me concern over Twitter and messages.
Sending love and warmth your way this New Year.
Towards Love Too Cheap To Meter
Through this recent period of self-doubt and exploration, a thought that held true to me was the line “towards love too cheap to meter”.
Love that is so cheap, so vast and infinite, that it is too cheap to be valued in exchange. Love that has no perceived barter rate, love that is not controlled, and is as plentiful and taken for granted as the oxygen we breathe.
It was through contemplation of this line, that I feel like I am beginning to recognise what the idea of “Self-Love” really means.
To give this idea form, moving towards love too cheap to meter, is to create a space of boundless love within ourselves. Love that fosters in safe spaces, and creating one for ourselves that we can allow for love to grow from the feelings that the safety that is our own brings us.
There are still major parts of myself that I hate with a passion, and once in awhile I still drown in them. But learning to love myself is not through force; I cannot force myself to ignore these parts of myself, because at the end of the day, they are still me, and they are what I sit with in the middle of the night, and will be part of me till the day I die. It is an unlearning, and being aware of these parts of myself, watching and asking with gentleness, allowing these parts of myself that I look at with detest, to feel safe. And one day, these parts of myself that I thought were separate, will come together and be whole.
This journey, that began with the thought of “I still love you, whether or not they end up loving you too”, is an infinite game that I would like to perpetuate.
Towards love too cheap to meter.
A Letter From You To Me
I still love you, as I always have. I still love you through the separation and the heartbreak, and through your anxiety and frustration. I still love you, but I must stand firm. I made the choice. This is for you, and this is what is good for both of us.
I must have loved you even before we met. Before you began opening up to me and talking to me, I knew how to love you. I knew all the right things to say and do, to make you happy. Yet I chose not to do it. I was scared I think. I was afraid of not being able to express this love I have to you properly. I thought you hated me. I thought I had to play a game with you. But you are here, listening and being patient now. How? The only answer I can come to is that you must have loved me before I even knew that I loved you.
I still love you when you are screaming out to the world, when get clumsy, and you make mistakes. In fact, I love you even more when you do. You inspire me, how you get up. How even if it feels like shit, you find what it means to be alive in near-death. Through the drunk thoughts, nooses, and the rooftops, you find a way to live.
I loved you from the very beginning. I watched you grow up, a child with no understanding of the world. I remember the blanket you loved so much as a kid, how you could never sleep until your mother had to pat you to bed
All I know is that I still love you, whether or not they end up loving you too.
Thank you Nick Cammarata for having inspired me and supported me with your writing. The line, “towards love too cheap to meter” comes from his Twitter bio, and his words have been a small guiding light for me the past few months.
Questions Endlessly Worth Answering
It says: Sun and water are questions endlessly worth answering.
It says: A good answer must be reinvented many times, from scratch.
The Overstory - Richard Powers
Endless questions, infinite answers.
If we were trees, our quest for growth would begin by first fulfilling our needs. In the cycle of endless Day and Night, every day we move an inch closer towards where we would get the most sunlight, where we can get rainfall.
Our Quest for Growth as humans begins with the same questions.
“Where is our Sun, and Water?”
And this question, is endlessly worth answering.
For the answer, reinvented many times, from scratch.
What I’ve Been Up To
Apart from the chaos in my head since I last wrote. I’ve been up to quite a few things.
slipped slipped slipped: Movement-Visual Short
In November, as I was beginning to go deeper into these feelings, I was hit with a sudden urge to capture this feeling that I was feeling.
Experimenting with the idea of the fleeting; things that seemed to come and go so fast, you question whether or not it was real.
I am thankful that I did this, and very grateful for Shannon (@shannon.nn) for doing this with me.
You can read more here:
“00:00:00”
Ryan Lim Choreography to “Modus” by Joji | RPProds
It was an absolute pleasure to have brought Ryan’s (@ryanlimkj) vision to life with my lighting.
I did a short breakdown here:
Tuning Into The Visceral: Awareness Through Movement - ii Salon
I hosted my debut salon with the Interintellect on Movement! It was my greatest joy to have hosted this, and getting to know and be in touch with other movement enthusiasts and friends.
I have another salon coming up soon! Stay tuned.
I never got a chance to write properly about it since then, but my friend Emily has a thread of notes that you can check out (thank you). I am happy to always converse on Twitter if there are questions!
I am back with a fire this time. I am looking forward to writing more!
If you like what you read, I would be happy if you share it with your thoughts!