jealousy in art-making
The following is an extraction and abstraction from some of my private notes:
I think so much of my work has been spurred on by this unusually competitive nature that I have.
I am jealous, often, when people produce good work.
Does this resonate with you?
Seeing how they - overcome obstacles, to reach an end goal - a product that is seemingly unobtainable to you.
I think part of it does stem from deep-seated insecurity and a desire to be acknowledged.
I remember being berated when I expressed this feeling of making work to “smoke” another,
where does this come from?
Work that is made to “beat down” another isn’t work that even I feel should be made.
There’s something… so demeaning about it.
Yet if it contributes to the overall “mass” of work that is being made, if it contributes to the conversations and development of the mediums and the forms, does it matter?
Yet, I have found authenticity in work like this.
“iwishyoustayed.” the film that I had made last year, was in part spurred by this jealousy of seeing others making good work.
I wanted desperately, to stand on the same platforms that some of my friends stand on.
I wanted to be acknowledged by my friends, and the people that acknowledge them.
I wrote in maybe February in my notes, that SELF-LOVE IS A PRIVATE PRACTICE
Self-love is about what you do behind closed doors away from the naked eye.
and I guess part of it is true, where initially how “iwishyoustayed.” was meant to be a “scream to the world”, the development and process of it became such a powerful internal change in my own psyche.
I think about the words, “salt” and “taste” right now.
Truth is, I am a little bit salty about nearly everything I come across. It’s flavour you know?
And I think Taste is developed through that.
Through identifying things that you like and don’t like.
in a way, “being salty” about something is also a way of curation; identifying things that you feel are worth existing.
one of my favourite writings about “taste”
yet to be spurred on by jealousy is such a finite feeling to have: because when you have no one else to compare to, where does your work stand?
to chase and make creative work stands in this dystopia
one hand, we want our work to be acknowledged and received and be made FOR THE PEOPLE
other, to be fresh and innovative with our ideas, even if they aren’t as seen.
On one hand I want to be an artist that creates work that makes people jealous.
And I want to see them make work that surpasses mine.
Screendance for example; god I want to see more and more dance films that make me absolutely jealous.
Yet I want to be the kind of artist with self love enough to make work that is special for me.
We stand in this dichotomy.
At the moment, I’m writing my dissertation for the MA Screendance programme on Dance Film in Singapore, and taking a break from writing to write this.
I have another newsletter where I talk about Screendance! Decided to divide my newsletters into two separate thought portals for Screendance specific thoughts and my personal thoughts.
As always, I hope to write more.