I want to talk about Accountability.
I've always struggled with it. In my work, in the people, I interact with, and when I was in school.
I struggled the most to meet the promises that I made with other people - the result of this manifests itself in the most toxic and damaging behaviour.
Failure to respect other people's time (I have a major tendency to be late)
Overpromising and Underdelivering
Intentional Escapism
I've never felt good about the way I am, and the cycle keeps repeating itself, with seemingly no way out other than continue bashing my head against the wall. I need change, and change for one of the things that I hate the most about myself
Real change comes from the compound effect of hundreds of small decisions
[[Atomic Habits]] [[James Clear]]
Dissecting my feelings with Accountability
The anxiety and pressure creeps up on me and crawls all over my skin like ants climbing out my pores.
Quick Sketch on the Life Cycle of Someone that is unaccountable
In the "Life Cycle of Someone That is Unaccountable" sketch, the "overwhelming sense of burnout" happens so regularly, and it causes me to freeze up when I approach my work and responsibilities. I need to be able to dissect it.
A quick search through my journal entries brings out this:
[[June 7th, 2020]] Huge case of Imposter Syndrome while taking class. I couldn't catch up and just had a panic attack feeling so worried I disappointed her or I'm being rude to her that I couldn't do it and froze
[[August 1st, 2020]] My biggest fear is that what I do blows up
[[August 15th, 2020]] And I really appreciate his kindness and okay-ness with it, which just alleviated all the fear of disappointing him
[[August 30th, 2020]] A couple of weeks of irresponsible escapism, diving headfirst into rather toxic situations, that I had no cognitive capacity to handle, and ignoring my responsibilities to "real-life" commitments, which obviously decreased the trust that people had in me
As I read through my journal, these pieces of text stand out to me, for the fact that they all deal with one central idea: Expectations.
Defining my Expectations
I expect a lot from myself. Who doesn't? And who doesn't want to bring something more to the world? And I feel that I often get trapped up in this idea of trying to do too much, that is completely often out of my capacity, and still banging my head against it, and nothing good comes out. It feels like shit.
A seriously bad habit that I have, is often I try to make my projects so big, in a feeble attempt to prove myself in some way, to create value. But in the middle of trying to make the best thing the world has ever seen, I start to see the flaws in every little thing, and the project becomes an never-ending wall that never seems passable
Something that resonated with me recently from my Shu Omi's newsletter, in which he shares something from Lawrence from More to That on the topic of Perfectionism
…ultimately, perfectionism is the result of an unattainable vision. The hands cannot re-create the idealized blueprints of the mind—no matter how hard we try. Perfectionists try to ignore this reality, but doing so will always result in a chase that never ends.
Putting this into the perspective of my personal life and work, realising that no matter what I do will never be enough - not in an emo way, but from a point of acceptance, brings me deep assurance and comfort.
Road to being more Accountable
As I was reflecting on my projects and tasks list, it hit me that I never once had a project in which I did something for myself. Something that wasn't part of a grand cause or a greater purpose.
And counter-intuitive I know, but I felt so strongly that if I wasn't able to do something for myself, I wouldn't be able to do anything for other people.
The road to being more accountable starts with me
It starts with
Lowering my expectations for myself and others
Taking things one step at a time
Following the path of least resistance (Steven Pressfield)
Creating incremental habits that create compound change (James Clear)
Opening up to people and being transparent in what I am doing and what I have the capacity for
This newsletter is part of that. I want to be able to hold myself accountable to myself, and just expressing what will genuinely make me happy
No more worrying about fulfilling my responsibilities to other people before I start something for myself (I will never be able to be happy like that)
No more trying to create massive big projects that exhaust me (because for what?)
No more feeling guilty about wanting to be selfish with my own time and energy (not saying that I'm not doing my responsibilities, but to allow myself to do things for myself)
And recognising that, I aim to keep my expectations for this newsletter as low as possible
This is why I call it 1%.
1% of my day (14.4 Minutes)
1% of my effort (basically just an output of my already existing notes in Roam)
1% of expected ROI (I’m not investing anything anyways)
1% of how good this can be or whether it makes sense (can’t be bothered to clean anything up)
I intend to produce shit work with this newsletter, to give my bare minimum of time and space, but to have at something that I can at least call my own, just me, just BToh.
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